Category: Mood Management

Posted on by

Eco Art Therapy & Processing Emotional Pain

Eco Art Therapy

Emotional pain, whether caused by trauma, grief, anxiety, depression, or life transitions, can be difficult to articulate through words alone. For many, traditional talk therapy may not offer the full depth of expression or healing needed to process deeply rooted emotions. This is where Eco Art Therapy steps in: a powerful fusion of expressive arts and nature-based healing that supports emotional integration and resilience.

Rooted in the principles of both art therapy and ecotherapy, Eco Art Therapy invites individuals to engage with natural materials and the outdoor environment as part of the therapeutic process. By creating art in and with nature, individuals not only externalize their inner experiences but also reconnect with the natural rhythms of life, which can be especially restorative for those processing emotional pain.

What Is Eco Art Therapy?

Eco Art Therapy is a therapeutic modality that combines creative expression with nature-based practices. It incorporates elements of traditional art therapy—like drawing, sculpting, and collage—with natural materials such as leaves, stones, twigs, sand, or water. Sessions may take place outdoors in forests, gardens, or parks, or indoors using materials gathered from the natural world.

Eco Art Therapy is rooted in the understanding that nature is not only a backdrop for healing but a co-therapist. In Eco Art Therapy, nature is a dynamic, responsive force that helps individuals regulate emotions, access intuition, and restore psychological balance (Buzzell & Chalquist, 2009).

Why Emotional Pain Needs Creative and Somatic Expression

Emotional pain is often stored not just in the mind, but also in the body and nervous system. Neuroscience research shows that traumatic memories are frequently encoded in non-verbal parts of the brain, making it difficult to process them through talk therapy alone (Van der Kolk, 2014).

Creative modalities like art therapy allow people to externalize inner turmoil, providing a safe container for experiences that may feel overwhelming or unnameable. When this creative work is done in or with nature, the healing effects are amplified by nature’s ability to reduce stress, lower cortisol levels, and promote feelings of safety and calm (Ulrich et al., 1991).

How Eco Art Therapy Supports the Processing of Emotional Pain

1. Externalization of Inner Experience

When emotions are turned into physical forms, whether through sculpture, painting, or mandala-making, they become tangible. This process helps individuals view their pain from a new perspective, making it less overwhelming and more manageable.

For example, a person might create a sculpture from stones and sticks to represent the weight of grief. Seeing that weight physically represented allows for new insights and a feeling of release.

2. Connection to the Natural World

Many people in emotional pain feel disconnected from themselves, others, and the world around them. Nature, with its cycles of growth, decay, and renewal, provides powerful metaphors for emotional healing. Creating art with natural materials helps foster a sense of belonging and continuity, reminding individuals that they are not alone in their suffering.

Nature also offers sensory grounding that helps regulate the nervous system. The feel of bark, the smell of pine, or the sound of running water can calm the body and help anchor individuals in the present moment.

3. Mindfulness and Embodiment

Eco Art Therapy naturally incorporates mindfulness, as participants must slow down, observe, and interact with their environment intentionally. This sensory engagement promotes embodiment—the act of being fully present in one’s body—which is key for emotional integration and trauma recovery.

According to Malchiodi (2015), combining mindful awareness with artmaking can reduce symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, and depression, particularly when practiced consistently in a safe, supportive environment.

4. Meaning-Making and Symbolism

Art made from nature often holds personal and symbolic meaning. A spiral made from shells might represent the journey inward. A broken branch tied together with twine might symbolize healing after rupture. These symbolic creations allow individuals to make meaning of their experiences, which is a central aspect of healing emotional wounds (Frankl, 2006).

The transient nature of many eco-artworks also mirrors the impermanence of emotional states, reinforcing the idea that pain, like seasons, will eventually pass.

Practical Eco Art Therapy Exercises for Emotional Healing

You don’t have to be an artist or even work with a therapist to begin exploring eco art therapy. Here are a few beginner-friendly practices:

1. Nature Mandala

Eco Art Therapy Mandala
  • Gather natural items like leaves, stones, feathers, or flowers.
  • Create a circular pattern on the ground, letting your hands move intuitively.
  • Reflect on the emotions that arise as you build. What does the pattern say about your inner landscape?

2. Emotional Sculptures

  • Use clay or mud mixed with natural materials to create shapes that represent your feelings.
  • Place them in a space that feels sacred or safe.
  • Observe how you relate to these forms—what might they need from you?

3. Eco-Journaling with Found Objects

  • Go on a mindful walk and collect one item that speaks to your emotional state.
  • Place it on a piece of paper and draw or write around it.
  • Ask the object, “What do you want to teach me about my pain?”

These exercises can be done alone or facilitated by a trained eco-art therapist for deeper exploration and support.

Final Thoughts

Eco Art Therapy offers a soulful, embodied way to process emotional pain by inviting nature into the healing process. It speaks to something ancient and intuitive in us…the need to create, to connect, and to find meaning even in suffering. By engaging with natural materials and letting emotions take form through art, individuals can move from silence to expression, from isolation to connection, and from pain to transformation.

In times of emotional distress, you may not always find the right words, but the earth is listening, and your hands already know what to say.

References

Buzzell, L., & Chalquist, C. (Eds.). (2009). Ecotherapy: Healing with nature in mind. Sierra Club Books.

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press.

Malchiodi, C. A. (2015). Creative interventions with traumatized children (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Ulrich, R. S., Simons, R. F., Losito, B. D., Fiorito, E., Miles, M. A., & Zelson, M. (1991). Stress recovery during exposure to natural and urban environments. Journal of Environmental Psychology, 11(3), 201–230. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0272-4944(05)80184-7

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Posted on by

The Tombstone Test

The Tombstone Test - living with confidence in True Self

The Tombstone Test can help you to live with confidence in your True Self. Your True Self is the person you would be if you were always living up to your best aspirations for yourself. It probably goes without saying that if you are living fully in your True Self, that you have a good sense of self-identity. True Self is who you would be if you could ‘get out of your own way.’ A life in True Self is a life with a sense of purpose and meaning.

Note that if you are living a life of purpose and meaning in a mindful way, you are living a life whose meaning you chose for yourself. Nobody else can assign your life meaning. Each person must choose their own reasons for living. Sometimes emotional aggression comes from allowing others to create our life purpose for us instead of doing it ourselves. Living in True Self in this case is taking back responsibility for our own destiny.

Confidence in True Self means having a good sense of self-identity. Confidence also means having the courage to avoid acts of emotional aggression. One way to do this is to realize that nobody else can ever tell us who we are or what we should be unless we give them that power, and there is no need to ever give anyone else that power.

Confidence and the Tombstone Test

I’m a history buff, so I can often be found looking at old buildings or roaming around in cemeteries. One day I was out in a particularly old cemetery doing some genealogical research when I started noticing the epitaphs. They all had something in common: There weren’t any that said, “Here lies Joe Smith. He had a two-story, five-bedroom house and a luxury car.”

Most of the tombstones I read there in the cemetery talked about how much the departed was loved and how much he or she would be missed. As I sat there reading all those tombstones full of kind words about the departed, I devised the Tombstone Test. The premise behind the Tombstone Test is to imagine yourself lying in your deathbed, looking back on your life. If you were doing that now, could you say you were truly happy with the way you lived?

The Tombstone Test will help you to clarify what your life means to you. When you are able to figure out your purpose in life you will be able to live confidently. You will be able to live a life of meaning from your True Self.

Imagine that you are lying on your deathbed, looking back on your life. What would you like to have written on your tombstone? What sort of legacy would you like to leave behind for your loved ones? The answers to these questions help you to determine your life’s meaning and purpose. When you have a purpose for your life, you are using the power of intention to live more fully in True Self as the person you were meant to be.

If you were on your deathbed looking back on your life, what would you like the overall theme of your life to be? What was your life’s meaning and purpose?

Think about some of the things that in the past have stressed you out and led you to act in emotionally aggressive ways. Now imagine that you are viewing these things from the perspective of someone who is looking back on their life. How important are those things from such a viewpoint? What could you change about the way you respond to such circumstances so that you could live a life of purpose in the future?

If your friends and family were going to give a eulogy at your funeral, what would you like them to say about you and the meaning of your life?

Imagine you could write out, in two or three paragraphs, your reason for being born and your purpose for living. What would you say in those paragraphs?

Think about your answers to these questions. Did the Tombstone Test give you the confidence to live more fully in your True Self?

Posted on by

Stick FAST to Your CORE

Substack Stick FAST to Your CORE living in the now

Stick FAST to your CORE is a way to set boundaries and to be aware of your own True Self. This awareness allows you to make decisions about compromise issues vs. core issues. A core issue is one in which, if you compromised on it, you’d have to give up a bit of who you are. A core issue has been violated if you are asked to compromise on an issue that crosses your personal boundaries.

Another way to look at core issues is to see them as issues regarding your own True Self. The True Self could be seen as the sum total of all your core values and beliefs. If you are able to consistently live in a way that honors your core values, you are living in True Self.

The worksheet below will give you the skills to find your core values. Once you have listed them, you can refer to the worksheet as needed in order to help you to live consistently in True Self.

Stick FAST to Your CORE

Stick FAST to Your CORE – Acronyms

The acronym below will help you to determine your CORE values. After reading over these CORE skills, go on to complete the Finding your CORE Worksheet.

CORE is:

Connection

Connection means finding ways to connect to others and to yourself by choosing to remain positive and engaged

Openness

Openness means remaining open to hearing what others are saying, and remaining open to what your own inner voice is telling you

Reflective

To be reflective is to use the skills of observing and describing to examine your own inner emotional states

Empathy

To be empathetic is to express sincere concern for the feelings of others and yourself

FAST is:

Flexible

In what ways might being Flexible help you to maintain your CORE values and beliefs?

Adaptable

In what ways might being Adaptable help you to maintain your CORE values and beliefs?

Stable

In what ways might being Stable help you to maintain your CORE values and beliefs?

Truthful

In what ways might being Truthful help you to maintain your CORE values and beliefs?
 

Posted on by

The Litany Against Fear

Litany Against Fear Dune Peninsula Tacoma

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Litany Against Fear from Frank Herbert’s Dune

Frank Herbert’s science fiction classic Dune is enjoying a revival due to the success of the movies by director Denis Villeneuve. The Litany Against Fear highlighted above is from the original novel. Hidden within this litany from science fiction author Frank Herbert is a key principle of mindfulness.

Most emotional aggression is the result of some type of fear, whether we are willing to admit it or not. The Litany against Fear is a great way to conquer this fear by conquering the conflict within ourselves. By turning within we are able to live in True Self and achieve a life of consistent positive consequences. Let’s examine how this works, line-by-line from the litany above:

“I will face my fear.”

Emotional aggression is usually the result of an attempt to avoid fear or to make our fear someone else’s responsibility. The natural tendency is to avoid danger by attempting to avoid the fear. This sometimes causes us to lash out in emotionally aggressive ways. But if we are able to turn and face the fear, we begin to see that it is not some all-powerful monster.
One way to do this is by ‘breathing into’ the fear. To do this, start a mindful breathing exercise by focusing only on your breath. Next, leave Doing Mode and enter Being Mode by letting go of the desire to run away from the fear. Simply breathe, relax, and greet the fear with open acceptance.

“I will permit it to pass over me and through me.”

By turning to face the fear and by breathing into it, we are not trying to engage in avoidance behavior or ruminating cycles. The goal here is to accept that the fear is already here. It is letting go of anticipation and realizing that the fear cannot touch us unless we choose to allow it to. By coming to this realization, we leave Thinking Mode and enter Sensing Mode, letting the fear wash over us like a wave. As it passes over and through us, it has no power over us unless we let it.

“And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.”

As the fear passes through and we move from Thinking Mode to Sensing Mode, we engage our inner observer to focus on the path that the fear has traveled. What is this path? It is the path of the ruminating cycle. The ruminating cycle began with a trigger, so by turning our inner eye to see the path, we are able to trace it back to the source: The trigger that acted as a catalyst. Remember, the goal isn’t to try to change anything here. We’re just using Sensing Mode to observe and describe the path that the fear has taken.

“When the fear has gone there will be nothing.”

Fear does not exist, except in the mind. Danger may exist in our external circumstances, and that danger may be very real, but fear is an emotional response to danger. We choose to be fearful. The good news is that we may also choose not to be fearful. When we trace the fear back to its point of origin we are able to create a different, less fearful response, or to choose to simply sit with the fear until it subsides on its own, without feeling the need to try to do something to stop it.

“Only I will remain.”

Once you have done this exercise by reciting the Litany Against Fear, you may come to find that the fear is no longer a problem. When you have faced your fears by standing as close to the ‘fire’ as possible, you may come to know that fear cannot touch you unless you choose to let it. Anxiety cannot touch you unless you choose to let it. Depression cannot touch you unless you choose to let it.

Even if the fear remains, with mindful awareness you may come to realize that you do not have to ‘do’ anything about it. You can choose to simply ‘be’ with it instead.

When you are able to do this regularly, you will have found a way to conquer your fears in a consistent manner.

Posted on by

Consequences and Letting Go

Ecospirituality

Consequences and letting go is about recognizing the choices we make that lead to consequences we don’t want to experience. Such choices have a tendency to be self-sustaining. That is because we usually make choices in the belief that those choices will make the problem better. But if we continue to make choices that we know aren’t going to make the problem better, then we’re going to continue to get the same results over and over again. The attempted solution to the problem instead makes the problem worse.

One way to get different consequences is to practice letting go. Letting go leads to radical acceptance. That is, if you are faced with a consequence you cannot change, then the only alternative is to accept that this situation cannot be changed. The first step to letting go is to ask ourselves, “What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?”

This doesn’t mean that we’re asking for the purpose of minimizing or denying concerns. It means that we’re asking this question so we can really figure out what we’re having difficulty accepting. Our fears are usually worse than the reality in situations like this. In some cases, our fears of the worst thing happening might actually be worse than if the worst thing actually did happen.

Once you’ve figured out what the worst thing is, next ask yourself, “Am I prepared for the worst thing? If not, can I accept the worst thing?” If you find that the answer is that you are not prepared for the worst thing, then the next step is to prepare yourself for the worst thing. In many cases where emotional aggression is an issue, the ‘worst thing’ involves other people. If the ‘worst thing’ is that someone else might gain the upper hand, or that someone else might be right, or even that someone else might even leave you, honestly ask yourself, “If this person is going to leave me, and I’m so stressed out about that possibility that I’m acting out in emotionally aggressive ways, would their leaving really be a bad thing?”

Another thing to ask n this situation is, “Am I so worried about this person leaving me that my behavior is actually going to be the reason that this person leaves me?”

Next ask yourself, “Can I live the rest of my life this way if nothing changes? Who has the power to change it?” Note that in this case, ‘changing it’ doesn’t mean trying to get the other person to change. Changing it in this case means either changing yourself or ending the relationship. If you attempt to change the other person, you’re back to engaging in emotional aggression.

If you are having difficulty in accepting a consequence, answer the questions below about the consequence you’d like to change. Remember that the only way to change the consequence is indirectly, by changing the belief and the choice that led to the consequence. If the consequence has already happened, the only alternative left is to accept it and to make different choices the next time so you don’t get a similar consequence.

Questions to Ask Yourself about Consequences and Letting Go

Think about a consequence that you’d like to re-evaluate. It may help to write it down.

Now answer the question, “What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?” Focus on what you’re afraid might happen if you attempted to change the consequence by making a difference choice the next time. What we’re focusing on here is the consequence after the consequence. If you react negatively to a consequence, then you’ve just created another consequence that is also likely to turn out negative.

Next, answer the question, “Am I prepared for the worst thing?” This question is designed to ask if you have used all of your mindful skills to help you cope should the worst thing happen. Think of which coping skills from previous sessions might help you to find a way to prepare for the thing that you are afraid might happen. If the worst thing has already happened, ask yourself which coping skills might be used to help you to accept what has happened so that you can move on without acting in such a way that you get even further negative consequences.

The next question, “If not, can I accept the worst thing?” involves ways to let go of the consequence without feeling the need to act in an emotionally aggressive way, thereby getting yet another negative consequence. Think about the consequence you are evaluating and see if accepting the ‘worst thing’ in this scenario might help you to find a way to let go. If the consequence has already happened, remember that you can’t change what’s already happened, so there’s really nothing to let go of. All you can do is to engage in ‘damage control’ so that you don’t make the situation worse.

The question, “Can I live the rest of my life this way if nothing changes?” helps to re-set your perception filter by focusing on the assumptions that led to the consequence. Let’s break that down a bit.

Consequences are the result of choices. If you’ve just experienced a negative consequence, ask yourself what choices you made that led to the negative consequence. Then ask yourself what might have to change in order to avoid getting a similar consequence the next time. Remember to keep the focus on what you have the power to change, and avoid ‘musterbating’ by avoiding the temptation to say what others should have done or could have done.

This leads to the final question, “Who has the power to change it?” If the answer to this question involves anyone else but yourself, then the only choice you have is to accept that the consequence is beyond your control. In that case, you will have to accept that this is just the way things are (mindful awareness) or change the way you think about it so that you may focus on the aspects of it that you do have the power to change.

Those aspects that you have the power to change are those choices that you made that led to the consequence. If the consequence was the result of something someone else did and you truly couldn’t have made any choice yourself that would have led to a different consequence, then the only remaining choice is to end the relationship. This is especially true if the consequence you experienced involved being abused in some way. In such a situation, no choice that you made led to the consequence of being abused. There is never any justifiable reason for abuse, and it is never the victim’s fault. In a situation where the consequence was abuse, the choice is to seek help immediately or to find safety as quickly as possible, and to set firm boundaries so that it never happens again.

Consequences and Letting Go List

For the sake of brevity, here’s a bullet list of questions to ask yourself when evaluating consequences. Evaluating consequences in this manner facilitates letting go.

What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?

Am I prepared for the worst thing?

If not, can I accept the worst thing?

Can I live the rest of my life this way if nothing changes?

Who has the power to change it?

The final lesson of Consequences and Letting Go is that you cannot change others. You can only change yourself. Remember that and letting go becomes easier. You can also download the worksheet below for practice in letting go.

01.12-Letting-Go-Worksheet-and-Diary-CardDownload
Posted on by

Mindful Self-Control

Self-Control Point Ruston letting go

“Happiness is the absence of the pursuit of happiness.”

–Chuang Tsu

Self-control is a requirement for happiness. This quote by Chuang Tsu reminds us that if we are happy, there is no need to pursue happiness, and that if we are pursuing happiness, then it is obvious that we must not be happy! So how can self-control lead to happiness?

Emotional aggression is the pursuit of happiness in unproductive ways. When we act out of emotional aggression, we are trying to get others to be responsible for our happiness. If I rely on others to make me happy, I have just handed control of my life over to others. If others are in control of my happiness, then I can only be happy when they choose to indulge my need for happiness.

The need to control others can sometimes reveal our own insecurities. These insecurities lead to emotional aggression because when we feel vulnerable we feel out of control. When we feel out of control, we sometimes feel that we can regain that control by controlling those around us.

Sometimes the desire to control others manifests in something called self-sabotaging behaviors. A self-sabotaging behavior is a pattern of action that leads us into failure. By deliberately setting ourselves up to fail, we can be attempting to punish those who care about us by punishing ourselves. Sometimes this takes the form of, “I’ll show them! I’ll hurt myself in some way so they’ll regret the way they treated me!”

Ultimately such behaviors are attempts to solicit pity out of others by making them feel guilty. To a person engaged in self-sabotaging behaviors, negative attention is better than no attention at all. In such a case, this person may not know how to seek attention in positive ways, so he attempts to seek attention in the only way he knows how: By injuring himself in some way and hoping this self-injury will cause others to reach out to him.

Another aspect of self-sabotaging is that it is abdicating responsibility to succeed. If I consciously act in ways that go against my own best interests, then I don’t have to try to find a way to be successful. The good news is that you can choose how to feel, and how to behave. In fact, you are the only person who can make that decision for yourself. Another person can never tell you how to feel or how to act.

Self-Control and Beliefs

The key to self-control is to realize that events and circumstances do not cause your reactions. What you believe about events and circumstances cause your reactions. Think about the last time you were stressed out. Were you stressed out because of the events in your life, or were you stressed out because of what you chose to believe about those events? If the stress was a result of the events in your life, then there is nothing you can do to change, and you will never be in control of your own life. You will live like a leaf on the wind, constantly blown to and fro on the winds of chance.

But if the stress was the result of what you chose to believe about those circumstances, then the good news is that you are in control of those beliefs. You can change them so that you are no longer stressed out by life’s bumps and bruises. The choice is up to you. You are in control.

External events – whether in the past, present, or future – cannot influence the way you feel or behave until you become aware of them and begin to think about them. If you had a crisis in your life, but you never knew it happened, would it stress you out? Of course not, because you didn’t even know about it.

So it’s not the events that cause stress. It’s your own beliefs about the events that cause stress. To fear something, or to worry about something, or to react in any other way to something, you have to be thinking about it. The cause of your reaction is not the event – it’s what you tell yourself about the event that causes your reaction.

What are you telling yourself about the circumstances of your life that may be interfering with your ability to control yourself? What alternate narratives could you tell yourself that would increase and enhance your self-control? How can you use your mindful skills to make this happen?

Posted on by

Body Communications

Body communications children playing at the beach

Body communications are a way of learning about how our bodies respond to emotional situations.

Automatic processes are processes that we have engaged in so often that we don’t even have to think about them anymore. Remember when you first learned to drive a car? You were probably nervous, trying to remember all the rules of the road, what all the gauges represented, which pedals and switches did what, and so on. But after a few weeks behind the wheel, driving a car is an automatic process. It may become so automatic that you can drive right past your exit while busily eating a cheeseburger and fiddling with the radio.

Riding a bike or roller skating can be an automatic process. Reading a book can be an automatic process. So can washing the dishes, folding laundry, or clicking through the television channels.

Many things in our lives, over time, become automaticized.

Moods can also be automatic processes. Moods are behavioral responses to emotional states. Over time we become accustomed to responding to certain emotions in certain ways. Sometimes these automatic mood processes are conscious, but sometimes they occur on a subconscious level.

Conscious processes are easier to change, simply because if they are conscious processes we are aware of them and we can consciously choose to interrupt the cycle and act in different ways if those automatic emotional processes are leading to results we don’t want.

But what do we do if our automatic mood processes are occurring on a subconscious level? If they’re subconscious, we are not consciously aware of them, so how do we learn to change them?

One answer to this is that subconscious processes often leave visible traces that we can be consciously aware of. Emotions have physiological responses. These physiological responses are body communications.

Body Communications and Subconscious Emotions

In previous blogs we discussed the “reptilian brain” response of ‘fight or flight.’ When that primal part of the brain is activated, the body responds in various ways. The good news is that this is the first part of the brain to be activated when a subconscious emotional process is triggered. This leads to body communications that can help detect these subconscious emotional reactions.

Suppose I’m headed out the door on the way to work and I see the garden hose out of the corner of my eye. Further suppose that the “fight or flight” part of my brain mistakes it for a snake. I have an automatic response. I might be startled and jump, or I might run away. If I turn to look at the garden hose and see that it is just a hose, then my conscious brain takes over and soothes the fight or flight instinct.

In this situation, the first thing that happened was the startle response. This is that subconscious ‘fight or flight’ trigger being activated. The second thing that happened was that my mind became consciously aware that it was a garden hose, and not a threat. My conscious mind became aware of the situation and overrode the subconscious response.

If we can learn to be more in tune with what our bodies are telling us at any given moment, we can be aware of when these automatic subconscious emotional responses are activated.

If we are aware of when these responses have been activated, we can consciously prepare ourselves to avoid acting out in emotionally aggressive ways.

Strong emotions usually have physical precursors. Do you clench your fists when angry? Do you break out in a sweat when anxious? Do you get butterflies in your stomach when confused?

Our bodies communicate emotional reactions before we become consciously aware of them. We can learn to be attuned to these physiological responses so that we can better predict strong emotions and be prepared for them.

How does your body communicate to you?

By becoming aware of these body communications, you are able to better predict when you are about to have a strong emotional reaction so that you can prepare yourself.

Your body is going to do what your body is going to do, but you don’t have to let it push you around! You can choose to be in control! The place to start is to begin to learn how your body reacts in emotionally difficult situations. When you learn your body’s way of communicating, you will be well on the way to modifying your responses to these situations.

Posted on by

Internal Validation vs. External Validation

Internal vs. external validation emotional aggression

`“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”`

-Richard Bach, author

Internal Validation is the art of validating ourselves. We all like to be validated. It’s why we have relationships in the first place. We enter relationships so that others can support us emotionally. This can become a problem if we come to expect that others are responsible for validating us. Emotional aggression happens when we try to force others to validate us.

While others can choose to validate us by acting in emotionally supportive ways, we can also choose to validate ourselves. If others are validating us, then that validation is external because it is coming from someone besides ourselves. If, however, we are able to meet our own emotional needs, we are internally validated. It’s nice to have both, but there may be times when others cannot satisfy our emotional needs. In those times, it helps to be able to meet those needs ourselves.

The only healthy way to be emotionally validated by others is when others are willingly granting us such validation and support. If we attempt to force such support from others, we are acting from emotional aggression.

If we engage in fault-finding in an attempt to seek validation, we are projecting blame. Projecting blame is emotional aggression, because we are abdicating responsibility for our own emotional validation by attempting to blame, shame, or guilt others into emotionally supporting us against their will.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a guilt-trip, you know that it is not a pleasant experience. If you’ve ever been the victim of a guilt-trip, ask yourself, “Is trying to make me feel guilty more likely or less likely to make me emotionally validate you?”

Now turn that around and put the shoe on the other foot. If you’re projecting blame onto your partner by trying to shame them or guilt them into doing what you want, do you think that such behavior is more likely or less likely to get the results you want?

If others are not meeting your emotional needs, and you are seeking external validation by behaving in emotionally aggressive ways in an attempt to get them to submit to your desires, do you really think you’re going to get the results you want? If the other person was doing it to you, would you be willing to respond in the way that they wanted?

Internal Validation is Loving Yourself

One way to avoid the tendency to engage in emotional aggression is to learn the art of internal validation. To be internally validated is to accept responsibility for your own emotional needs. The way to do this is to learn to love yourself.

Sometimes we get caught up in the idea that loving ourselves is somehow selfish or egotistical. But think about that for a moment. If you don’t love yourself, is it really fair of you to expect anybody else to love you? Not only that, but if you don’t love yourself, and you’re in a relationship with someone who loves you, eventually you might find yourself thinking along these lines, either consciously or unconsciously:

“I don’t really love myself, yet this person loves me. If I don’t love myself, yet this person says they love me, then there must be something wrong with him/her! How could a ‘normal’ person love someone like me, when I can’t even love me?”

If you don’t really love yourself, then you can’t really expect others how to love you in the way you’d like to be loved.

To learn to love yourself, first ask yourself, “Who am I, really?” Be as honest as possible when answering this question. In future weeks there will be an exercise to recognize some self-defeating beliefs and replace them with self-affirming beliefs.

For now, think about ways you can learn to love yourself and be happy in your own skin. It might help to talk these things over with your partner or with a friend or family member. A good way to start is to find out what others like about you.

If you feel uncomfortable asking others what they like about you, you could get the ball rolling by making a list of things you like about others, and sharing it with them. I’m willing to bet that they’d be likely to return the favor.

The more you are willing to do so, the more you’ll be able to self-validate as well.

Posted on by

Aggressive vs. Assertive Communication

Assertive vs. Aggressive Communication

In mindful communication, we learn to communicate in ways that are assertive rather than aggressive. By setting firm boundaries in non-aggressive ways, our interactions with others become assertive without resulting in hurt feelings, arguments, or conflict.

If setting boundaries does lead to conflict, learning to be assertive rather than aggressive allows us to find peaceful and productive resolutions to differences of opinion.

Assertive Communication: No ‘Buts’

In grad school I had a supervisor who said, “After ‘but’ comes b.s.'”

The first step in moving from aggressive communications to assertive communications is to eliminate the word ‘but’ from our vocabulary. Using the word ‘but’ is rationalizing our behavior, and rationalizing is evading. Evading conflict can be a type of emotional aggression in that we are asking others to interpret what we mean without giving them enough information to draw such conclusions.

Also, using the word ‘but’ means that we’re offering excuses for our behaviors instead of owning up to them and taking responsibility for them. For an example illustrating this point, look at the sentence below:

“I’m sorry I swore at you, BUT it was because you made me angry.”

In this sentence, the person speaking has just rationalized the swearing by making excuses. If this statement was offered as an apology, the sentiment has been weakened because this person has shifted the blame to the other person. The implication is that it is the other person’s fault because the other person did something that the person speaking chose to react angrily towards.

Would it sound more like an apology if this person had simply stopped at the first part of the sentence, leaving everything after the word ‘but’ out? By saying ‘but,’ this person is attempting to manipulate the other person into being responsible for the swearing. He has evaded responsibility by blame-shifting.

Assertive speech agrees with specifics, not with generalizations

The Three Ps are personal, permanent, and pervasive. Statements that include ‘always’ and ‘never’ are broad generalizations that eliminate the possibility of change by stating that one instance of a behavior indicates a permanent or pervasive pattern of behavior. Look at the statement below:

“You always ignore me!”

In the above sentence, the person speaking is attempting to make a particular instance of a behavior permanent and/or pervasive by generalizing it to ‘always.’ If you’re on the receiving end of such a statement, you can agree to a specific instance where you engaged in the behavior without agreeing to the generalization in the following way:

“I’m sorry, I did ignore you that time.”

Here the speaker is agreeing to a specific occurrence of the behavior by using the phrase, “that time.”

When agreeing with a specific instance, you may point out that you are agreeing with that specific instance, as long as you avoid the temptation of following it up with a ‘but,’ such as:

“I’m sorry, I did ignore you that time, but I don’t always ignore you.”

If you add the word ‘but,’ you’re back to rationalizing and evading. When agreeing with a specific instance, you’ll have to trust that the other person understands implicitly that you are not agreeing with the generalization. If you feel tempted to point out that you don’t agree with the generalization, remember to avoid blame-shifting.

Don’t try to make it their responsibility that you behaved in a certain way.

Playing ‘dumb’

If you find yourself the victim of a barrage of criticism, you can de-fuse it by ‘playing dumb.’

You can play ‘dumb’ by asking “What do you mean?” After a critical statement. The idea here is that you are refusing to engage in arguing by asking for specifics in an attempt to understand what’s really bothering the other person.

Children are really good at this. Here’s an example:

Child: “Daddy, why is the sky blue?”
Daddy: “Because the air absorbs all the other colors of light”
Child: “Why does the air absorb all the other colors of light?”
Daddy: “Because the other colors of light bounce off the molecules in the air”
Child: “Why do the other colors bounce off the molecules?”
…and so on, and so forth. You get the idea.

In a relationship, here’s a possible scenario in which ‘playing dumb’ might be used:

Husband: “Why did you look at Jim that way?”
Wife: “I don’t know what you mean. What way was I looking at Jim?”
Husband: “You know…that way.”
Wife: “No, I don’t know what you mean by ‘that way.’”
Husband: “Like you were flirting with him!”
Wife: “What do you mean, ‘flirting with him?’”

The conversation would continue in this manner until the husband realized the absurdity of his assertion and gave up. You have to exercise caution in using this technique. The underlying goal is to illustrate the absurdity of the accusation without letting it turn into a full-blown argument.

Avoid the temptation to become emotionally aggressive when using this one. This should only be used in a playful way, and not in a mean-spirited way.

Assertive communication means admitting your mistakes

Saying, “I’m sorry, I screwed up this time” de-fuses any conflict because if you are agreeing with a person who is attempting to criticize you, there’s nothing to argue about. We have a natural tendency to go into ‘defense mode’ when being accused of something, but if the accusation is true, then there’s nothing to defend against.

For example:

Wife: “You forgot to pick the kids up from soccer practice!”

Husband: “I’m sorry, you’re right! I did forget!”

It will be very tempting, when agreeing with a criticism, to give a reason for your behavior.

You should avoid this temptation for two very important reasons:

  1. If you offer an excuse, you’re evading responsibility for the error; and,
  2. If you offer an excuse, and the other person can invalidate the excuse, then you’re left without a leg to stand on. You don’t have to give a reason.

Just accept responsibility for the error and move on.

Here’s an example to illustrate the point:

Wife: “You forgot to pick the kids up from soccer practice!”

Husband: “I’m sorry, you’re right! I did forget, BUT I had a lot of work to catch up on at the office!”

To start with, there’s that magic word ‘but.’ It’s an attempt to evade responsibility by making an excuse. Furthermore, suppose the wife in the above scenario replies with:

Wife: “All you can think about is work! Sometimes I think you care more about that job than you do about your own children!”

Granted that the wife in the above situation is making a generalization about a specific instance of a behavior, but by making the above statement she has also effectively negated her husband’s excuse and added another accusation on top of it.

If the husband responds in kind, the conversation will degenerate into a series of rationalizations, excuses, and accusations. If you find yourself caught in such an episode of blame-storming, the best response is:

“I’m sorry. What can I do to make it better?”

With this statement, you are showing that you are acknowledging the mistake, and also being proactive in finding a solution by asking the other person to help you to find a solution. This has the added benefit of moving the other person from a problem-focused mode to a solution-focused mode.

Think of it like a game of ping-pong. Every time you are served an accusation or a criticism, hit it back over the net by asking the other person to help you come up with a solution so that it doesn’t happen again. In doing so you’re engaging their help in solving the problem, and you’re not stuck having to guess what sort of solution they might find acceptable, because you’re asking them to tell you instead of having to guess.

Offer a compromise

In any conversation where there is disagreement, there are some areas in which you may be willing to compromise, and there are other areas in which you are not willing to compromise.

An issue in which you are willing to negotiate is a compromise issue. An area in which you are not willing to negotiate is a core issue. The way to tell the difference between a core issue and a compromise issue is to ask, “Will my own feelings of self-respect be compromised if I give in on this issue?”

If the end goal requires you to sacrifice your own sense of self-worth, then it is a core issue, and you should not compromise in that area.

Validate but don’t capitulate

When met with resistance, the way to be assertive without becoming aggressive is to validate the other person’s feelings without allowing them to tread on your boundaries.

You can let them know that while you don’t agree with their feelings, you respect their right to see things the way they see them. Both of you don’t have to agree on every single aspect of life.

For example:

Wife: “George Clooney is the sexiest man alive!”

Husband: “I respect your right to feel that way.”

Here you’ve acknowledged that your partner is entitled to her opinion without you having to share it. Remember that you can always validate your partner’s feelings without having to agree with them.

When you have practiced all these skills you will be well on your way to developing an assertive rather than aggressive communication style.

Posted on by

Externalization: Experiencing the Person, not the Problem

One way to live a life of compassion is to see the person, not the problem. This is done through externalization. If we are able to take the viewpoint that the person is separate from the problem, then we are able to experience the person, and not the problem. Such a perception sees the person as separate from the problem. From such a perspective, I am not an “addict,” I am a person with a substance abuse problem. I am not an “angry person,” I am a person with an anger management problem.

If a friend or family member has cancer, do you say that they are a cancer? Or do you see the cancer as something separate, a problem that can be treated and possibly even cured? If I had such a person in my life, I might abhor the cancer and what it is doing to them, but I most certainly wouldn’t abhor the person.

When we are able to see things in this way, we are able to externalize the problem. Externalizing the problem is seeing it as separate from the individual. If I have an issue with emotional aggression, I’m not an emotionally aggressive person. I’m a person who may consciously choose to change my tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways. By externalizing this tendency in myself, I can come to see it as just a process of the brain, and not a part of my identity. If it’s just something my brain does from time to time, I can choose to avoid the temptation to act on it. If I refuse to feed it, it may eventually go away. Even if it doesn’t, I am still in control. I still have the choice not to act on it.

Likewise, if a friend or loved one has a tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways, by exercising my non-judgmental skill of compassion, I can see this tendency as separate from their identity as a person if I so choose. The less I react to their emotional aggression, the less effective their emotional aggression becomes. When they see that their attempts to manipulate me by acting in emotionally aggressive ways have failed, then there is no reward for the behavior, and therefore there is no need to continue with the behavior.

Even if they decide to be stubborn and persist in their attempts at manipulation after seeing that they no longer work, I can refuse to participate by refusing to react to their aggression.

When you are able to do this consistently, you will have learned to use the tool of externalization.